I have honestly have asked myself the below questions and women that have attended my events have asked me these questions too!
I happen to agree with the below answers- your feed-back is welcome!
Gail- 7 in Heaven Singles Events
Dating Dilemma #1: Why Can't I Call Him First?***************************************************************
"Hi Paige,
I guess my question is it EVER ok to call a guy first? I just
think life's short and sometimes you've just got to do things
and not worry about it so much. But who knows, not me!
Krysta
Canada"
***************************************************************
Paige's Dating Dish Tip #1: "NOT Calling is More Empowering" ***************************************************************
My response:
"Krysta,
Of course every woman is free to make her own choices, but
since you've written to ask what I think about calling a man
first, I'm going to give you my honest opinion...
Never, ever make the first phone call.
Here are 3 great reasons why you SHOULDN'T call him:
1. IF HE LIKES YOU, HE *WILL* CALL YOU FIRST.MOST men like to be the pursuer at the beginning of a new
relationship.
When you take the initiative to call him, ask him out, or
even simply tell him to call you, he may not feel like he
has to DO anything except sit back and wait for you to make
all the effort. Which is SO unfair to you... a bright,
beautiful woman who deserves to be lavished with attention!
A guy reader once explained it to me this way:
'As I see it, men are all about accomplishments.
At the beginning of the relationship we'll try hard.
It's as if we have something to prove (male ego, go
figure). But once a woman [makes the effort] we start
to relax and get back into our regular habits that we
have been ignoring (ie. playing poker with the guys).
This is why men like women who play hard to get. We have
to try harder...so we feel we have accomplished more.
-Mike
Boston, MA'
Allow the man to take the lead in the beginning. When you
meet the right guy, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised
to see what unfolds when you let nature take its course.
2. WHEN YOU LET HIM CALL YOU, YOU SEND THE MESSAGE THAT YOU'RE A HOT COMMODITY.9 times out of 10, when a woman calls a man first, he is
either turned off, or momentarily flattered and intrigued but
then loses interest very quickly, no matter how attractive
she may be.
You see, when you meet a man who is genuinely interested in
you, he imagines that you have dozens of men beating your door
down for a date and thinks, "I'd better call her and take her
out soon before some other guy sweeps her off her feet and I
lose my chance."
When YOU call him first, it destroys that illusion. It causes
him to think, "Hmmm... she must not have many other options,"
or worse, "she sounds a little desperate" and your stock starts
to plummet.
On the other hand, when he has to get up the courage to call
you - and possibly get your voice mail ("she's got such a busy
life! I hope she can make some time for me!") - he realizes
that you are someone to be valued. This is very exciting to him.
3. *NOT* CALLING EMPOWERS YOU.Krysta, you say that life's too short and wonder if you
should just 'go for it' and call the guy first. Well, in my
humble opinion, life's too short to spend it worrying over
whether a guy is really interested in you when there's an
easy way to know for sure.
'Although it may seem counterintuitive at first, allowing HIM
to call you for the first month or so can be empowering. If
he's the one calling you, you always know where you stand
with him. If the phone keeps ringing and he keeps asking you
on dates, you can be sure that he's into you.
On the flip side, if you're always dialing him up whenever you
feel like chatting you'll never know whether he's just humoring
you or being polite. It can breed feelings of insecurity - which
guys can detect like dogs smell fear - and you've lost your
footing. As quickly as you can hit the speed dial button on your
cell phone, you can upset the balance of power in your
burgeoning relationship.'
So, Krysta... I recommend that you exercise your self restraint
and let HIM call YOU!"
----------------------------------------
Dating Dilemma #2: "But HE SAID 'Call ME!'"***************************************************************
"Hello Paige,
I just had a nice first date with a guy. We talked for like 2
hours and he paid for dinner. The end of the date was weird
though. We hugged and he rubbed my back when he did it, but
he did not try to kiss me. He ended the date by saying, "call
me." It totally threw me off.
Was it a pity "call me" just to appease me? Or was it a true
"call me?" Should I call him? I would like to see him again,
but I feel as if the man should make the first move. What
should I do?
Confused,
Jolene
Harrisburg, PA"
***************************************************************
Paige's Dating Dish Tip #2: "'Call Me' Isn't Always a Command." ***************************************************************
My Response:
"Hi Jolene,
I totally understand your confusion but the short answer to
your question is no, you should not call him.
Here are 3 reasons why:
1. To some men, "Call me" is nothing more than a throwaway phrase, almost like "see ya later!" or "take care!" They don't mean it literally. The only way to know for sure if a man means it is
if you've been dating for a while and he's been actively
pursuing you. In which case, the "call me" will usually
be more specific, like "Call me when you get out of
work on Friday and we'll meet for happy hour," or
"Call me after your big presentation and let me know how
it goes."
2. Some men say "call me" to end a date and/or to avoid openly rejecting a woman. I've had lots of men admit to me that they'll tell a date
"call me" because they don't plan on calling her.
As my friend Dave said, "I don't want to be the jerk
who says, 'I just don't see this going anywhere.' So
I'll put it off on her. If she DOES call, I just won't
answer. After a couple of unreturned
voice mails, she'll
get the hint, no awkward conversation required!"
Is it fair? No, but it's an unfortunate reality of
life. We all tell little white lies to avoid hurting
people's feelings. It's not much different than
telling the host of a dinner party that the meal was
"delicious" when you could barely stomach a bite...
...or telling that uncomfortable blind date, "yeah,
we should do this again sometime," when you have no
intention of ever seeing him again.
Wouldn't life be easier if we were just HONEST with
one another? Of course! Is that going to happen in
our lifetime? Probably not.
3. Some men say "call me" because they don't want to take on the responsibility of moving the relationship forward. This usually happens when they're juggling several different women and want to keep you as an option without making a big effort. You are far too special to be treated this way!
Remember, you are a catch! Any man who's worth your
time will recognize this and will make every effort
to pursue you until he has your attention.
Go with your instinct on this one, Jolene. You're hesitant
to call him and want him to make the first move, and I agree.
If a guy is as WOWED by you as he should be, he'll call.
He'll hold onto your number for dear life and even though
he might follow some ridiculous, self-imposed 3-day waiting
period, your phone will ring and it will be him asking you
out for another date.
Good luck!"
***************************************************************Dating Dilemma #3: "He Said He Would Call and He Didn't!" *************************************************************** "Hello Paige,
My name is Beth. I met a great guy; he is "perfect;" he is what
I was looking for. We talked in person and we have talked twice
on the phone. There were sparks and a great connection between
us.
So he said he wasn't gonna call on Friday but he was on Saturday.
I told told him twice I was gonna wait for his call (and I did)
but he never called.
What happened?
~Beth"
***************************************************************
Paige's Dating Dish Tip #3: "Don't Put Your Life On Hold to Wait for a Phone Call" ***************************************************************
My Response:
"Hi Beth,
I feel your pain. I think every woman who's ever dated can
relate to your situation - the guy who swears he'll call and
then never does.
Here's my take on the situation:
Most men love a challenge. Even though most don't openly admit
it, when they first meet a woman they love that heart-pumping,
adrenaline-fueled feeling they get when the phone goes ring...
ring...ring... and they're not sure whether you're going to
pick up.
When you let him know flat out that you've cleared your
schedule to await his call, it sucks all of the excitement
out of it.
Think of it like bumper bowling. It doesn't exactly feel
like a victory to get a strike when there's no danger of
bowling a gutter ball.
So how could you have replied differently when he said, "I'll
call you Saturday"?
"Cool. Speak to you soon" in your most lighthearted, casual
voice.
And then rather than waiting around for his call, you should
have made plans as you normally would have for Saturday -
e.g. catch your regular Pilates class, meet your sister
for brunch, hit a movie with your girlfriends.
Who knows... maybe he would have called while you were in
the movie and immediately gotten your voice mail. This would
intrigue him ("I wonder what she's up to") and send the
subtle message that you're not waiting around for his call.
If he DID reach you, he'd ask, "What's up?" and you could
reply, "Oh... I just took an amazing Pilates class and I'm on
my way to meet my sister for brunch. Can I call you back
later?" This sends the message that you've got a full and
exciting life of your own, which is infinitely sexy to a man.
This is not game playing because you're not PRETENDING
to be busy to mess with his mind. You're actually
enjoying your day. After all, there's no guarantee that
he WILL call so why should you waste a glorious
Saturday waiting around?
At this point, if "Mr. Perfect" doesn't call you in the next
few days, I recommend that you let it go. If this is the way
he acts in the beginning, it doesn't bode well for the future.
You're better off focusing your energy on meeting a man
who actually follows through on his promises!"
***************************************************************Dating Dilemma #4: "How Do I Know When It's OK to Call Him?" *************************************************************** "Paige,
I purchased your ebook a few months ago and am finding out
things I never even thought about. The book has helped me
tremendously.
I have been dating a guy for 2 months now and he made a
comment the other evening while on a date that I never call
him. (This was done in a joking sense.)
I didn't say anything and changed the subject. Paige, my
question is, when is it OK to call a guy? It has only been 2
months and I don't want to do anything that would cause him
to pull away.
I know I will gain more power in the relationship by not calling...
not saying "needy" things, but I just don't know where to go
from here.
Cheers,
Ramona"
***************************************************************Paige's Dating Dish Tip #4: "When You've Captured His Attention, You Can Call Him!" *************************************************************** My Response:
"Ramona,
Each relationship is different and has its own unique
timing. The 'don't call him' rule I discuss in my book
is really in place when you're just beginning to date a new
guy to ensure that you're not the one taking on the role
of the pursuer by making all the effort. (A major turn-off
for the guy!)
Good news.
There does come a time in the courting process when a man
will realize that the thrill of the chase is nothing
compared to the thrill of just being with you.
He'll actually start to grow tired of his own game and long
for the moment when you two can just become real with one
another. Since every person is different and every relationship
has its own unique time table, I can't tell you when exactly
that moment will come for you.
It may coincide with the decision that you want to be exclusive
and not see other people, or it may come as early on as the 3rd
date. Whenever this happens for you, you'll know that you have
the green light to initiate phone calls with him."
When I was on the dating scene, that point would usually come for
me when the guy and I got into a dating rhythm... when it was
pretty much assumed that we had a standing date every Saturday
night.
(FYI: Saturday nights are PRIME dating real estate, and if he
reserves his for you, that's a clear sign that he's really
into you!)
Ramona, the fact that he brought up "you never call me" - even
in a joking tone - means that what you've been doing is working!
You have set yourself apart from all of the other all-too-
available women out there who are calling and chasing him.
You are the one woman he has to take action to PURSUE, which
intrigues him, makes you valuable to him, and makes him crave
spending time with you.
His joking, "you never call me" is his way of asking for
more attention from you while trying not to sound needy.
Imagine - the GUY getting a little needy for once!
I think you've officially reached the time where it is
appropriate to move beyond just returning calls to actually
initiating them.
Until you are in a committed relationship, however, I
recommend limiting your initiated phone calls to one or
two a week. If you start calling him at your every whim
(you see something funny on TV that you want to tell him
about, you're bored and want to chat, your boss made you
cry and you want to talk it out), you can quickly and easily
begin to devalue yourself in his eyes by being too accessible
and jumping right into 'girlfriend mode' before you've
ever discussed getting serious.
Other than being mindful of that, let go and enjoy this
exciting time in your relationship - you deserve it!"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
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